Tips for Living

NO TIME for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.

EXPENSIVE hair gels are a con. Marmalade is a much cheaper alternative, but beware of bees in the summer.

APPLY red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting varnish should be selected).

PUTTING just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and causes them to swim in an amusing manner.

BEARDED MEN can obtain the appearance of an upper class Arctic explorer by simply applying a baking soda paste to their beards, painting their noses blue, and cutting off a couple of toes. It never fails to impress the girls.

DON'T INVITE DRUG ADDICTS round for a meal after Thanksgiving. They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.

KEEP the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.

OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.

AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

TAXI drivers. Why not pop into the garage and ask them to fix your indicators lights for you so that other motorists know where the hell you're going.

RETIREES. Try sitting on a pile of encyclopedias next time you go for a drive in your car. That way you will be able to see out of the front window.

OLD contact lenses make ideal 'portholes' for small model boats.

INCREASE the life of your carpets by rolling them up and keeping them in the garage.

TAKE your trash can to the supermarket with you so that you can see which items you have recently run out of.

MAKE shopkeepers feel like criminals and con men by carefully checking their change and holding bank notes up to the light before accepting them.

SAVE on charity donations by spending a dollar on clothes at a charity shop, then selling them for 50 cents to another charity shop. This way you can give twice as much, at half the cost. I think.

Found by Jesse B. L.