Activities for Boring Days

X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of Tequila. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased.'

Edge your lawn into the shape of a pair of trousers then mow it in lines so it looks like a huge pair of green corduroy trousers. Pockets can simply be added by planting small flower beds.

Smell gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of the escaping gas.

To stop nose bleeds simply place your head between your knees until your heart stops. (Thanks to Adam Shaw, Leeds, England.)

Whenever you see country folk driving into town in their green Range Rovers to go shopping, jump up and down screaming "Get off my land!" Then shoot their dog.

Don't waste money on expensive telephone answering machines. When you leave the house simply plug the phone into your video recorder. Not only will it record the callers voice, but you will also get a picture of them speaking, probably.

Help the local police by popping into the mortuary every day to see if you can identify any of the bodies.

Fill a Shredded Wheat with pink soap and, hey presto - an inexpensive Brillo soap pad.

Save money on expensive earrings by sticking mentos or sugared almonds to your ear with Polygrip.

Can't afford contact lenses? Simply cut out small circles of cling wrap and press them into your eyes.

Fumes from burning sofas can be lethal, so before sitting down always look around and plan your escape route in the event of a fire.

Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match the existing plate.

Avoid embarrassment after tripping in the street by repeating the same movement several times to make it look like a normal part of your behaviour.

Hey, vegetarians - make your veggie burgers go further by adding a pound of mince to them. (Thanks to Yankee Dougal from Tulsa, Oklahoma, USA)

Stop flies landing on your dinner by strategically placing a pile of **** on the dinner table. The flies will be so busy munching on the faeces they will leave you to enjoy your meal. (Thanks to Stephen H, Quakertown, PA, USA.)

Avoid the morning-after hangover ... simply stay drunk past noon. (Thanks to Jose M. Lopez, Cabo Rojo, Puerto Rico.)

Brighten up dull Monday mornings at work by concealing a bottle of vodka in your jacket pocket and taking swigs from it at regular intervals throughout the day.

Housewives: When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the side of the road every time you have a minor accident.

Found by Jesse L. B.