MY FRIEND CTHULHU

I am a friend of Cthulhu from long time ago. It was him that gave to me the diet because I am living so long. But there is a lot of myths about Cthulhu these days and so I will telling you some of his realities.

HIS NAME
HOW HE IS LOOK
HOW WE WERE MEET
LIFE WITH CTHULHU
WHAT HE HAVE DOING

First of all is his name. Every body knows him as Cthulhu and they say kuh-THOO-loo because of that guy Hank Lovecraft (please not to get me starting on that guy, go here if you want to knowing more). But this is not really his name to be honest. I know it to be hard to say but please to pronounce his name like this: clear your throat and at the same time flap your tongue over the roofs of your mouth first forward and then back (it's more easier if you pretend you're licking ice cream or like cunnilingus). That is how to be pronouncing his name, it is bitchy I know. People have get his name wrong for long as I am knowing him and he was always pretending not to care, but I know for real it bugs dooky right out of him.

(Any way I have to be using the spelling "Cthulhu" because everyone knows it.)

The other thing is how he looks. That guy Lovecraft made up big deals about Cthulhu to be fat and blubbery like a mountain. But it was being childish to make up such big deals about that. I mean everybody gains a couple of pounds each year as they are getting older. Cthulhu is millions of years old and so of course he has got much weight, but I mean look at Marlon Brando and that lady from All In the Family, it's not like people are to be running away in fear or any thing. Plus Lovecraft made up like Cthulhu's face was covered in tentacles. That was a cheap shot because Cthulhu does have a big nose and he is being sometimes self-conscious about it.

I am not to be pretending that Cthulhu is a saint or everything, he does cause chaos and madness and mass hysteria when he is coming up from the ocean and he is always borrow money from me and not paying it back. But I will be getting to that so keep reading.

I was meeting Cthulhu in the 8th century when I was visit Egypt. He was in Egypt also with some friends, Egypt has always being a good spot for a vacation like now. With all old buildings and the statues and mummies, really neat. But Cthulhu's friends left when they got into fighting with a bouncer at a market of whores (back then whores were all at strip malls sort of the way in Amsterdam today). So he was coming up to me while I was drinking tea at a cafe. He was wanting to lend my money to him so he was able to buy food. I said okay but later I saw him getting to drunk and all over a whore. I was getting mad and I was almost take a swing at him, thank goodness I didn't! He was getting mad too and told me about the bouncer he has fought and I was not having seen the bouncer's corpse but I understood it to be all very mangled and chewed on. Other people was backing up his story. So then he was saying to be millions of years old. I was not believing him but still we got to drunk together and he was being an all right guy who was funny dancing on the table and was having lots of whores (that I ended up to pay for).

Cthulhu and I were friends forward after that. One thing is for sure that life was never getting dull at Cthulhu. One time at my birthday he had plotting me a surprise party with a hundred guests. I was made to be surprised for sure, but then he started to eat all the guests and then they were the ones to be surprised! We were laugh about that for long times. Another time he said to me to be going with him to a little Arabian town where we could to have some fun. I barely remember the next ten years except that we were to drinking and smoking opium constantly and by the end we were to be fathers to half of the children at the town. Finally I had to telling him I must get back to my career in writing. A funny thing is that later, Olaus Wormius and I worked out to be saying that I was spending those ten years in the desert having visions and visiting to ancient forgotten ruins and such things. It was make for good publicity for the Latin edition of the Necronomicon. So maybe after all those ten years were to help my writing career.

Like I have say, Cthulhu has always borrow money from me. He is living under the ocean and is having no job, and any time he gets money he is spending it on whores and liquor. But he is still to be an all right guy and my friend. I was liking his entertainment so much that I wrote the Necronomicon about him because you are always needing a colorful character to be the hero. I did not like the way the book came out though. But it has given me money for the last twelve hundred of years, so I do not minding to lend some of it to Cthulhu. (I do not know if he has ever read the book now that I think about it. He was always preferring theater but he was not being able to attend the stage version I got to produce in the ninth century.)

Any way I will close this part to say that Cthulhu has doing a lot in the world over the years that most people are not knowing of. Because every time he comes up from the ocean he is causing chaos and destruction and mass hysteria. Like in 1347 he came to be visiting me in Macedonia and the Black Death killed most of Europe. Or in 1625 he was come to the release party of the Spanish printing of the Necronomicon that I was throwing in Soho, and there was showing up the Black Death again. In 1925 Cthulhu came up from the ocean again (that Lovecraft was write a story about). That same year Mein Kampf was write, the Marx Brothers were open on Broadway and the Grand Ole Opry was come on the radio. He did the War of the Worlds hysteria as the favor of Orson Welles. That time he on accident was to inspire Otto Hahn to make nuclear fission (oops!). The last time I was seeing Cthulhu was in 1988, the year being of The Satanic Verses, also the becoming well-liked of Guns 'n' Roses and Bobby McFarrin and of course Michael Dukakis v.s. George Bush. I am also suspecting that he was have something to do with Home Alone, but I am not knowing for sure. With Cthulhu you just never knowing and that is the flat out truth.

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