Blackadder-Ranma 1/2 Crossover

        The Year: Sometime in the late 16th century.  It was night...a dark and stormy one, naturally.  A galleon is struggling to ride out the storm, and in so far as it is possible for a ship, a mere construction of wood, iron and rope, to look lost, this is what the ship was currently doing.  Let's look inside, since there's no one out on deck.  We peer inside, looking for the great cabin in the stern, bumping into the sorts of things you normally find in the bowels of a ship 400 years ago.  We make our way aft until...we enter a richly appointed cabin, occupied by four individuals.         One is tall and sort of elegant in his black Elizabethan silk suit. Another is taller yet, but not nearly as impressive as his companion, since he wears on his face a clueless expression.  That greenish color doesn't help much, either.  The third...person (I'm using the term loosely here) can only be described as a dung ball on legs, wearing clothes apparently designed by Mad Meg of Bedlam, and hair by Mud Pitt Salon. As to the fourth of our cast so far...from his air (and the air from him), he's the brave captain of our ship. Which is strange, given the fact that sea captains of this period generally have both legs in good working order...what am I saying?  They generally have two legs, period!  Another noticeable feature of this gent is the truly prodigious size of his beard, in which you could hide a badger.  Thats it...thats all there are...on the entire ship. Big ship, four people, no crew.  Funny thing, that.  I wonder why?  Lets lay to and listen...

        "I thought it was traditional for ships to have crews", noted the elegant gent in the black threads, whose name, incidentally, is Edmund Blackadder.         "Opinion is divided on the subject.  I say it isn't, everyone else says it is", intones Captain Redbeard, who bears an uncanny resemblance to Tom Baker.         "Oh god", groans Edmund, and not for the first time, either, while the tall git, whose name is Lord Percy Percy, heir to the duchy of Northumberland, cries out in despair, "We're doomed!  Doomed!  More doomed than poor little Kenny at a serial killer convention!"  Indeed, there was nothing for our lads to do but sleep around the table at which they're sitting, which they do.  Well, all but for the little shrimp in the dung gatherer's outfit, who goes by the unlikely name of Baldrick.  He's busy eating something out of a can (yes, I know canned foods weren't around in the late 16th century, but thats the kind of story this is...)         Its still night.  In fact, since its rather later than before, its even nightier night.  Our ship is still struggling in madly frothing seas, but the odd...no, the really odd thing is that the timbers are suddenly bulging with an incredible amount of painfully bright light spilling out from between the them...and then, in accordance to the laws of anime physics, the ship explodes.  Bits and pieces of wreckage fly all over the place.  Luckily for our principals, there's a handy dandy beach nearby, upon which our friends wash up, along with the other junk and debris from the ship.  They, not surprisingly, aren't doing too much moving at the moment.  But, after a few hours...         "Mr. Blackadder...wake up, Mr. B...", yes, the walking dung ball can talk, too.         "Go away, Baldrick...unless you can turn into a pill that can take away this pounding headache...Percy...Percy, you're already a pill, do you *have* one?         "Sorry, Edmund...but maybe one of these nice people here have one..."         That comment made Edmund wake up a bit.  "What people?", he muttered while opening one eye.  The other eye stayed shut until it got a scouting report from the first.         It was Baldrick that answered.  "These people here wearing funny bathrobes and holding sharp pointy things..."         With deceptive calmness Edmund asked, "Baldrick...these sharp pointy things...are they by any chance pointed at us?"         "Just a minute, Mr. B, I'll check..."  for a few seconds there was silence, then, "Ow!  Yep, they are, Mr. B"  And they were indeed pointed at our trio. (Wait a minute? *Trio*?  But you said there were *four* persons on that ship?  Well, yes, I did...but good Captain Redbeard Rum seems to have disappeared.  Either he blew up in the ship, or he got into the TARDIS, or just possibly the author didn't know what else to do with him)         Meanwhile, the guys in the bathrobes with the sharp pointy things were discoursing over their discovery.  One of them said <Man oh man, are these cats ever *wet*!  Gonna look *really* sloppy if we leave them here on the beach...>         <Ain't that the truth!  And his lordship being *that* particular, too...s'pose we'd better get them up to the castle?>         <Hey, you can do what you want, but I ain't touchin' *that* one (as he points to Baldrick)...it looks all nasty and yug!>         <Think they're from around here?>         <Are you off your nut, bombhead?  Just look at their clothes!  Crazy threads...at least, I think those are clothes, cuz if they ain't, then *that* one's got one *weird* disease! (as he pointed to Edmund's breeches, puffed out in proper and approved Elizabethan fashion, and fully equipped with codpiece...)  *Course* they ain't from around here! Maybe they're from Korea or Vietnam, or some other place that'll never amount to anything in the historical continuum...>

<Hey, man, c'mon, lets get these cats *moving* before the lord sends that crazy killer panda down on us!  Or even the Court Torturer!>         <Yeah, or that evil old man he hangs around with!>         And so our boys were hustled to their feet and frog-marched to the castle.  On the way, they had a few things to say about their current situation.         "Baldrick, *how* many times do I have to tell you *not* to eat beans by candlelight!"         "Sorry, Mr. B..."         "Oh god...where are we?  Considering that Redbeard was sailing for France, and he couldn't navigate his way out of an old sock, we could be in Mexico...and you *know* what sort of illegal immigration laws those Spanish have in place now..."         "Edmund, Edmund!  I think I know where we are!"         "Oh.  Really, Percy.  All right, he said, desperately trying to think of a way out of this current mess, *where* are we?"         "Well...(don't strain your brain, Percy, there's not much there to begin with...) I think...we are in...the mysterious and wonderful land of the Japans, the home of the rising sun, where..."         Blackadder cut him off.  "Percy, that is far and away the most ridiculous...no, wait, *the* most ridiculous thing I've heard today was Baldrick telling me to wake up, but this is a close second.  Percy, you clothead, everyone knows the Japans are a myth, a fairytale, a story, its what parents tell their brats at night if they want the little monsters to grow up to become manga artists..."         Baldrick, who got lost further back, looked around for the myth, but there wathn't any, not even a mytheth...         Edmund continued to explain.  "Its perfectly obvious we're lost somewhere in the Mediterranean...Sardinia, or Sicily, perhaps...someplace that'll never amount to anything historically..."         "Oh, you mean Corsica!"         "Well, quite...", Edmund agreed.  "We just have to talk to them clearly, slowly, and very loudly, they'll let us go, and we can build a boat and get ourselves to some civilized country...or even France..."         Blackadder turned to address his captors.  He spoke *very* clearly, and very slowly, and very, *very* loudly...because as *everyone* know, if you speak English to the natives clearly, slowly, and loudly, you'll be understood no matter *where* you are. "Excuse me!  We need a boat!  Take us to your leader!" (Poor Edmund...he had no idea they really *were* taking him to their leader)

        The guys in the robes scratched their heads.  <Hey, get that!  They can talk!>         <Call *that* talking?  Sounded like he said "Eks-kuz mi, wi niid a boht.  Teik us tu yur lider", but what that means, you got me...>         The party (not that it really *was* a party, since our three heroes [or, if the Truth in Fiction laws are in effect for this story, one anti-hero, one dim-candle (remember, bulbs weren't invented yet), and one dung-ball peasant] weren't really in the mood to celebrate) soon came to the castle.  It loomed there ominously like a giant...a giant...like a giant looming thing, okay?  Anyway, it was perched on top of high gloomy cliffs, casting (cough) Dark Shadows all around, and a storm thundered overhead.   

      Blackadder turned to the author and demanded, "Look, if you had told me this was going to be a Dan Curtis Production, I'd have brought my raincoat!  This is *supposed* to be a Blackadder/Ranma crossover, so get on with it!"    

     Our trio's captors marched the boys up and into the castle, going through numerous checkpoints and gates...finally they reached the Inner Sanctum itself (remember, this is Old Japan, and they didn't have WD-40 for those pesky squeaky hinges), the central hall of the castle.         Edmund's been in enough royal courts to recognize the set-up, but most royal courts didn't come equipped with giant pandas, a creature with which Edmund, being from Elizabethan England, didn't have much experience.  He could only assume that glasses and a handkerchief head covering were not standard issue.         The lord of the castle received his prisoners.  Lets take a look at him.  He sits there on his cushion, brave in his samurai armor, sharp, piercing hawk's eyes peering from under his helmet.  Long, straight black hair reaches past the man's shoulders, and a thick mustache lays under his nose (well, it would look pretty silly if it lay on *top* of his nose...)  Behind him was the aforementioned giant panda, and at each side stood a young girl, both with short hair.  One of these girls had a round face, cute but for an angry scowl. She was holding a mallet.  On the other side was another short-haired girl, hair cut in a different, more severe style, face thinner and sharper.  She was counting through some coins.  The court treasurer, possibly, thought Edmund.         "So, foreigners have polluted our fair shores!  And *foreign* foreigners, at that! Send for the Court Torturer!", the lord of the castle called.         The boys, of course, couldn't understand a word he said.  They didn't much care for the tone of voice he was using, however.  Edmund especially, having already experienced the dungeons of Ludwig the Mad, the self-proclaimed Master of Costumes (and great great, etc grandfather to Tsubasa Kurenai) had a suspicion that something Horrible was about to happen.         The Court Torturer came forth.  She (yes, she *was* a she) looked rather like the two ladies flanking the lord of the castle.  Her hair was longer, though, and her face softer, more gentle.  "Yes, father, what is it?"         "Ah, Kasumi.  We need some torturing done on these men here."         "Oh dear.  Father, I sent all the torture equipment out to be cleaned and repaired. Akane broke them playing with Ranma last night."         "Hey, shouldn't be a problem", spoke an exquisitely cute girl in red hair, "just feed them some of Akane's cooking."         The utter savagery of this particular royal court was indicated rather clearly to Edmund by the fact that the angry-looking short-haired girl tried to smash the redhead with that mallet she was holding.  Edmund looked very concerned.  Not for the mallet victim, of course, but after all, if they do that sort of thing to each other, what'll they do to him?  Maybe if I give them Percy and Baldrick...no, I want them to be nice to me, so giving them Baldrick is out, went his line of thought.         "Besides, father, even if I did have my torture equipment, how would they understand our questions?", observed  the sweet, lovely, pure and innocent Court Torturer.  "I don't think they speak our language..."         "Hmmm, good point", noted the lord of the castle.  "Better send for the Court Translator.  No, that won't work...better send someone to *get* the Court Translator..."         A court flunky went to fetch forth the aforementioned translator.  And returned with the Court Translator in tow, who was expressing wonderment as to his current location.         If Edmund *could* have understand what the redhead said to the translator, it wouldn't have made any sense, since it was along the lines of, "Hey, P-chan, you made it! And didn't get lost?  Maybe you want to pig out on some of Akane's cooking?"         Nor would he have understand the translator's retort of "Who are you calling P-chan, Ranma?!"         What he *did* understand was the fact that, oddly enough, the (for him) new arrival had these little, but quite pointy, fangs.  Edmund thought to himself its a good thing this isn't a Dan Curtis production, or all our necks might be in trouble.  He also noted this new person was quite young (in fact, so were most of the other people he'd seen...not that he'd seen that many...)         Edmund turned to share his observations with Percy, in his accustomed manner.

           This doesn't look good, Perc.  Someone's for the chop.  You or I, in fact, and lets face, Percy, its *you*!"         The translator turned and spoke to the master of the castle, who replied.  The young boy in the yellow shirt and black pants, with the tiger-striped headband that Edmund assumed was the badge of his office, then faced our lads.         "The lord of the castle, the mighty Soun (Look, do I *really* have to talk like this? This is more Kuno's style!)Tendo desires to know your origins, your destinations, the species of your pet (he meant Baldrick, actually...well, how was *he* to know?), and your intentions toward his daughters!  Speak now, if you value your lifeohmanIcan'tbelieveI'mtalkinglikethis..."         Edmund *can* be smooth, especially if his life depended on it.

 As he spoke, the translator...translated.  Thats what translators do, after all.  "I come from an island far away called England (trans-"He comes from this little bit of dirt no one's ever heard of...").         We were trying to get to France when we were blown off course by a storm ("they were going to some other god-awful place no one's ever heard of and they got lost..."). We'd like to borrow a boat, if we may, to continue or journey and trouble you no further. (trans-"They want to bum a boat off us so they can go and get lost again...")         "Well", spoke the mighty and ever so majestic Lord Soun Tendo, but his words didn't get translated because he wasn't speaking to his guests, "that's all good and well, but that doesn't tell me his intentions toward my daughters.  After all, just about every visitor from out of nowhere ends up making off with at least one of my children, and I'd really like to know what to expect this time..."         So the translator inquired of Edmund his plans toward the daughters of Soun Tendo, as was assured they were entirely honorable.  What Edmund meant, of course, was that he had enough trouble being ship-wrecked on these godforsaken shores without loading up on the local talent.  Edmund had the misfortune of actually muttering his thoughts, which the translator rendered into language the lord could understand.  Actually, he just *might* have got a word or two wrong here and there. ("He says he really wants to *beep* all four of your *beep*-ing daughters, especially that one with the long hair and the large tracts of land...")         Blackadder had many frights in his life, and the shock he got when the lord of the castle turned into a giant-headed demon (hey, demons look like demons, England or Japan...) ranked high.  The castle's soldiers hustled our boys out as the lord shouted "Take them out, take them hence, take them *anywhere* so long as they be gone!"  The translator very kindly gave them a map as they were escorted out.         "Hey, Ryoga, how'd you *get* to be the translator, anyway?", asked the red-headed girl.

        "You pick up all sorts of languages when you wander around as much as I do.  But you know, I've been thinking...if I want to support Akane in a proper manner, since *I'm* going to be the one to marry her (he thought to himself)...I might just get a new job..."         "Oh yeah?  And what could *you* possibly do?", asked the skeptical red.         "Well, I was thinking of updating the maps", Ryoga responded, at which everyone fell down.
Epilogue.  And now, we find ourselves in China, following our heroes. Edmund has a thing or two to say about his *new* current situation, as thus: "Thats the *last* time I accept a map from a court translator!  One thing's for sure, this isn't France..."         Baldrick nodded his agreement.  "Food's better..."         "Well, exactly", Edmund went out.  "And look at this...all these pools here with sticks in them...and this chubby guy in the dark green threads no one can understand...Well, at least we can get a quick bath in.  You'd better stay out, Baldrick, they might have laws about water pollution here."  

       And with those words, the boys stripped down and enters the pools. Baldrick, of course, didn't...but he tripped and fell, and so ended up in a pool anyway.  The fat little guy that had been with them went into a panic and said a *lot* of words in a very quick rush.  No one could understand a blind bit of it.  Certainly not Percy, who came out of the pool not at all looking himself.  He was small now, but still long of body, and covered with fur.  Weasels usually are.  Baldrick emerged, dripping but quite unchanged. ("Oh no, sir fall into spring of drowned dung-ball!")  As for Edmund...well, you can't really call him Edmund right now.  You can't even call him a he.  Lets consult our instant pocket translator (no, its *not* Ryoga) to learn what happened to Edmund.         "Oh no!  you fall into spring of Drowned Queen Elizabeth!  There very tragic story, *very* terrible, of Queen Elizabeth what fall into spring 200 year ago!" (keeping in mind, of course, that this tale, such as it is, takes place some 400 years before our current era), and indeed, Edmund now bears a striking resemblance to she who graces the throne of Albion.  Which ended up causing *quite* a stir at the English royal court, as we are about to see.  

       "I say, Edmund, thats a jolly odd tale", commented Queen Liz.  Edmund and the boys had *finally* made it back to that fair isle set in the emerald seas...and then they got back to England.  The whole court was there...Queen Elizabeth, Lord Melchit, Nursie, Percy, Baldrick (looking, and indeed smelling, like Baldrick)...and Edmund Blackadder.         "Strange, my Lady, but true.  As I can demonstrate."  And with that, he took a glass of cold water and upturned it over his head.  There, standing before Queen Elizabeth, *was* Queen Elizabeth...a decidedly wet one, and wearing black tights, but still Queen Elizabeth.         The *original* Queen Elizabeth watched the change happen with astonishment. Edmund...or rather, Eddie-Baby (I suppose), started to explain, "Its a funny thing...cold water triggers it, and you wouldn't *believe* how *much* cold wa...", but that was as far as he got.         Because the *real* Queen Elizabeth leapt of her throne, and dragged Eddie into her bedchambers.  "When did she have those mirrors put on the ceiling", Eddie's train of thought began, which was instantly derailed when the Queen of England, France and Scotland murmured in his/her ear, "Oh, Edmund...I've always wanted to know *just* how I look when I...(oh no!  Quick, cut away and cue the Ending Theme before this becomes a lemon!)

And yes, I know there's supposed to be the traditional ending song here, since this *is* a Blackadder story, but I'm no good at versifying.  So, if you can think if a suitable song to insert here, just drop me a lion...I'll bear up and take a look...and if its good, I'll use it, give you full credit, three cheers and a tiger too!  (Kasumi reads, and comments..."Lions and tigers and bears?  Oh my!")